Blog Titles Are Getting Tricky

Well, reader, I know I said I was pissing off for the weekend, and I am, but now it's Friday and I can't find my History homework and Film Studies is dull and English is slowly killing me.
So I'm blogging to procrastinate.
Ex read yesterday's blog. We'd started emailing again because we need to sort out the gig for Monday night (going to feel good to have a social life back!) and we'd just sort of started chatting, which was nice, because he is lovely.  But then he read the blog.  And now he's pretty messed up because I only really want to be friends.
I'm impressed by the frequency that I turn out looking like a total bitch at the end of relationships. Think there has only been one (of SIX) where I didn't, because he was a lying knobhead who led me on for five months.
But that's for another post.
I hate how I keep messing him up.  I really do, but I'm not sure there's any way I can stop messing him up.  Because we want completely different things.  I pretty much want to move on with my life and get him back as a friend, but he wants our relationship back.
I'm not sure if that's even possible.  It's never going to be the same because we keep messing each other about, not intentionally but just with everything.  God knows what'll happen after or even at the gig on Monday.  We're going to end up hugging, but that's kind of okay with me.  Beats me what I'll do if he goes any further though.  I don't particularly want to kick him in the balls (anymore).
The weather is ridiculously good today.  Little bit chilly, but not enough to not warrant the complete removal of body hair and the reintroduction of skirts.  AND MY FLIP FLOPS :D
Really love my flip flops.  Even though they are basically in pieces.  Will just have to glue them back together.
The library is now baking-ly hot.  Which I LOVE, because I am sat directly next to a fan.  The fan has a sort of reflective middle.  My hair appears to be drying itself into a poof again.  I can live with that.
Doesn't tie up properly. Whch is hilarious when I don't need to tie it up, and so fucking frustrating when I do that it's ridiculous.
Lots of knots in it still.  Vaguely annoyed by that.  Keep combing my fingers through.
Still have some of my flu bug left.  Snizzing up a storm.  Tempting to put my ipod in and listen to something, but I can't think what to listen to.
Have ended up having to put the ipod in.  Bloody annoying chavs.
Wonder if they know they're the scourge of my existence?
Bet they do and they're playing up to it.
Arseholes.  Right, ten minutes to do my film studies, then I'll be back.

Stuff the homework. Ex texting, saying he intends on coming round mine tonight, and that his phone and internet are being cut off.
I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself or him anymore.
The coming round thing would be a problem if I wasn't leaving for Norwich the minute college ends.
This is getting silly.
I am tired and annoyed and I have NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT TO DO ABOUT ANY OF IT.
Ugh!!
Really wish he could be happy.
I do.
Not for selfish reasons either.
He deserves to be happy, it's just tricky to get there.
Ugh.  I need chocolate.
Right, homework.

I'm probably going to leave this here, finish off my film homework and go hide in the humanities area, see if there's someone I can hug up there.

Darlings

Despite the fact that I only posted to you yesterday, I already feel like I'm neglecting you.  It's a bit awful.
I unblocked the ex from FB, but then did nothing else.  He has sent me a non-stalky email, an improvement, and a friend request.
I'm not sure about the friend request.
Because I do want to be friends.  I miss his sense of humour and how he actually gets my jokes.
But I think that is all I want to be.  Friends.
Yes, I do love him.  But I think now in the way where he could just be my best mate and that would be okay.
I'm not sure how much that would work for him.
A hug would actually be amazing right now.
I discussed me and him getting back together with Tom last night, who was at first reluctant to give me his opinion.
I'm actually really glad he did.
Think I needed the logic and the pointing out about my self-respect.
I dunno.
Got quite annoyed in Socio.
People seem to think that playing Rod Stewart is hilarious.
It's not.
Apparently I got quite pink.
If you don't already know why Rod Stewart is a problem, you don't need to.
I'm actually gonna finish off here, I'm in a bit of a weird mood.  Off for the weekend tomorrow, so this will probably be the last blog post til about Tuesday :O
Have good weekends, all.
LURVE XXXXXXXXX

Good News!

Can now play Smelly Cat.
That is all.

Pros And Cons

Harry, if you make ONE reference to this in any of the emails you seem intent on sending me, then not even God will be able to help you.  While you're at it, GTFO my blog!!!  It would actually be better for you if you stopped RIGHT NOW and moved away. Genuinely. This is not going to be good for you.

I am going to write a completely honest blog.  I do that normally, but it's more of a mind-explosion of what I'm actually feeling.
I might still be a bit in love with him.
Although when I say a bit, it's a bit of an understatement.
And I think I agree with everyone who's been saying I must be a complete idiot. I do.
I think I am.
This is NOT due to his harassing me over the last couple of weeks.
HELL NO.
45 calls in one 8.5 hour period is not remotely attractive.
It's annoying, and creepy.
And yet somehow I find myself missing the complete idiot.
And how he smells.
That was a damn good smell.
Think I'm a very smell oriented person.
Which brings me on to how I also miss Anna.
But back to idiot exboyfriend again.
He would like me to meet him, potentially tonight, to just talk it through.
I do not have time tonight, I have a huge essay that needs to be an A grade and a 200 word piece that was due Monday to do.
But I kind of want to.
I hate how miserable he is making himself with this, and the desire to hug him and make it all better is ridiculous.
I also want to give him a massive kick in the shins.
Which I will probably do regardless of what happens.
Preferably in my ball-busting boots. (AKA the stripper boots, but don't feel stripping is appropriate in such a situation)
Or maybe borrow Luli's steel toe caps.
It's not a "I hate you so much right now" sort of thing.
It's more of a "I love you so fucking much and you hurt me so bad that I am going to kick you in the shins and then run away so I can't forget myself and kiss you" sort of issue.
I do want to leave a substantial bruise though.
He's lucky it's not going to be in the nuts, actually.
Still feel a sort of in-grained protective feeling for those.
This is making me sound like a ridiculously weak person.
But I'll be honest here.
I have spent the whole time since the end of August MISERABLE.
Because fuck it, reader, I do love him.
And I can see this, as I imagine you can, turning into one of those relationships where we fight and break up and then make up all over again and basically turn into the plotline of Katy Perry's Hot N Cold.
I am SO not impressed by the dumping over another girl style thing as well.
"Emotional cheating" is a load of bullshit, at least in my case.
Crushes HAPPEN.  I'm okay about crushes.
Crushes are not something to break up over.
Love is something to break up over.
Not crushes.
Crushes are stupid amounts of hormones charging round your head all at once when you see someone who is pretty damn fine, but ya know what?
Love is very very different.
And yet despite all the love that's going on, I don't know if it would work if we got back together.
We're a mess, let's be honest.
I've already started flirting with other people, he's been on a couple dates.
My friends mostly hate him.
And, ofc, it's a stupid idea.
It was a stupid idea when we got back together the second time.
And yet, something in me says he's right.
He's sent me a shitload of emails.  Most of them about how much he still loves me, and how he still has the dream of us getting back together and getting married and babies and old people.
I sort of paraphrased that last bit.  It's not a proper sentence, but I don't really care.
I'd kind of like that, really.
My family are going to give him shit, though.
An awful lot of shit.
Woe betide him if he ever meets my cousins.
He's also said he's glad I have moved on so quickly.
What a load of old bullshit.
I can't recover that quickly.
Since I know you're still reading this, McMurtry:
- Yes, Giordan IS stupid for encouraging you.
- I call you stupid ex because you ARE stupid, and you ARE an ex.
- France is NOT that bad. It's just Paris that smells awful. Numpty.
- You're right, I am amazing.
I'm going to quit that now.
Don't call me. Don't message me don't ANYTHING.
I will call you when/if I am ready.
Talking over FB will be VERY difficult, unless you can figure out a way to unblock people...
I'm going to stop blogging now.  Essays to do.

Ex

Starting to resent the fact that you read my blog. 
I want to put stuff on here that I don't really want you knowing.
I'm going to carry on not replying to your attempts at contact (a total yesterday of three emails, five texts and FORTY FIVE CALLS.) because I told you I wasn't going to.  And I meant it.
Unfortunately, I don't have a fucking clue where the venue is for Subways.
Would appreciate a text/email on that subject.
PURELY that subject.
Call me at 12:30 in the morning again and I'm taking a mallet to whichever bit of you I can reach first, and if that's your testicles then all the better.