Pros And Cons

Harry, if you make ONE reference to this in any of the emails you seem intent on sending me, then not even God will be able to help you.  While you're at it, GTFO my blog!!!  It would actually be better for you if you stopped RIGHT NOW and moved away. Genuinely. This is not going to be good for you.

I am going to write a completely honest blog.  I do that normally, but it's more of a mind-explosion of what I'm actually feeling.
I might still be a bit in love with him.
Although when I say a bit, it's a bit of an understatement.
And I think I agree with everyone who's been saying I must be a complete idiot. I do.
I think I am.
This is NOT due to his harassing me over the last couple of weeks.
HELL NO.
45 calls in one 8.5 hour period is not remotely attractive.
It's annoying, and creepy.
And yet somehow I find myself missing the complete idiot.
And how he smells.
That was a damn good smell.
Think I'm a very smell oriented person.
Which brings me on to how I also miss Anna.
But back to idiot exboyfriend again.
He would like me to meet him, potentially tonight, to just talk it through.
I do not have time tonight, I have a huge essay that needs to be an A grade and a 200 word piece that was due Monday to do.
But I kind of want to.
I hate how miserable he is making himself with this, and the desire to hug him and make it all better is ridiculous.
I also want to give him a massive kick in the shins.
Which I will probably do regardless of what happens.
Preferably in my ball-busting boots. (AKA the stripper boots, but don't feel stripping is appropriate in such a situation)
Or maybe borrow Luli's steel toe caps.
It's not a "I hate you so much right now" sort of thing.
It's more of a "I love you so fucking much and you hurt me so bad that I am going to kick you in the shins and then run away so I can't forget myself and kiss you" sort of issue.
I do want to leave a substantial bruise though.
He's lucky it's not going to be in the nuts, actually.
Still feel a sort of in-grained protective feeling for those.
This is making me sound like a ridiculously weak person.
But I'll be honest here.
I have spent the whole time since the end of August MISERABLE.
Because fuck it, reader, I do love him.
And I can see this, as I imagine you can, turning into one of those relationships where we fight and break up and then make up all over again and basically turn into the plotline of Katy Perry's Hot N Cold.
I am SO not impressed by the dumping over another girl style thing as well.
"Emotional cheating" is a load of bullshit, at least in my case.
Crushes HAPPEN.  I'm okay about crushes.
Crushes are not something to break up over.
Love is something to break up over.
Not crushes.
Crushes are stupid amounts of hormones charging round your head all at once when you see someone who is pretty damn fine, but ya know what?
Love is very very different.
And yet despite all the love that's going on, I don't know if it would work if we got back together.
We're a mess, let's be honest.
I've already started flirting with other people, he's been on a couple dates.
My friends mostly hate him.
And, ofc, it's a stupid idea.
It was a stupid idea when we got back together the second time.
And yet, something in me says he's right.
He's sent me a shitload of emails.  Most of them about how much he still loves me, and how he still has the dream of us getting back together and getting married and babies and old people.
I sort of paraphrased that last bit.  It's not a proper sentence, but I don't really care.
I'd kind of like that, really.
My family are going to give him shit, though.
An awful lot of shit.
Woe betide him if he ever meets my cousins.
He's also said he's glad I have moved on so quickly.
What a load of old bullshit.
I can't recover that quickly.
Since I know you're still reading this, McMurtry:
- Yes, Giordan IS stupid for encouraging you.
- I call you stupid ex because you ARE stupid, and you ARE an ex.
- France is NOT that bad. It's just Paris that smells awful. Numpty.
- You're right, I am amazing.
I'm going to quit that now.
Don't call me. Don't message me don't ANYTHING.
I will call you when/if I am ready.
Talking over FB will be VERY difficult, unless you can figure out a way to unblock people...
I'm going to stop blogging now.  Essays to do.