Okay, so I'm one of those people who always has a plan of what to do with their lives.
When I was three, I had a plan to have a baby at fifteen (no joke).
At 9, I knew which GCSE's I was doing (a selection which has since changed beyond all recognition).
At eleven, I basically had a plan for my ENTIRE life, involving weddings at twenty, babies at twenty one, and just not doing uni whatsoever.
And last year, I formed a plan for the next five or six years of my life, about uni and gap years and a levels.
And now I'm not happy.
Wtf?
So, until yesterday, I thought that what I was going to do was do five A levels, plus the Extended Project Qualification, to get me that AQA Baccalaureate, and then go to uni, do English Lit, then a teaching thingummy, and then be a teacher until my witterish writing is recognised as utter genius that is worth even more money than that of J.K. Rowling, and so forth retire to my mansion to write about pirates and trains and beer until I see fit that I have enough money to sustain myself and my family in the manner we have become accustomed to for the rest of our lives. Maybe sticking in an extra uni course or two here and there.
Yeah, alright, a little more than five or six years, but that really is the extended version.
Except, now, I'm not happy with Drama.
At all.
It's not as good as last year by far, and I think I probably really needed it to be.
I'm getting WAY stressed.
So I decided to speak to the fabulous Don, who is my tutor, and fabulous, about wtf I should be doing with my time.
He was blunt.
It's a good thing.
So, now, I'm not doing the AQA Bacc.
Why?
Bloody pointless.
You only really need three a levels.
That'll get you to uni.
Duh.
*facepalm*
But yes, so. Now I'm not doing the AQA Bacc, I don't actually have to worry about staying on my Drama course, which would actually be bloody good.
But do I REALLY want to drop it?
I mean, acting is bloody great.
But the feeling of the place is rubbish.
Lots of nice people, little to no nice feelings, really.
I feel self concious, awkward, and utterly crap in comparison to EVERYONE else.
May just be a confidence issue.
It's entirely possible.
But now I've got this awkward thumpy feeling in my chest, because it was a HUGE relief to get the pressure of the AQA Bacc off my mind, but there's still the panic about Drama, and the assessment next week, and how I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE THERE ANYMORE.
I mean, I'll do the assessment next week, purely because I think the girl I'm working with would fucking kill me if I abandoned her, and I'll admit, she's intimidating.
So there we go.
Now I have to make a decision about Drama.
Everything is kinda telling me to bail, except this one little voice in my head that's accusing me of losing my stubborn streak.
I KNOW it's there.
It's just having a bit of a wobble.
Question: Should I be being stubborn that I need to be happy, or that I need to get a decent college education?
Although, four A levels are still more than I need.
People will give me jobs and degrees (okay, gotta work for those too, but you know what I mean.).
I just wanted five.
See?
There it is.
The little perfectionist.
GRARGH.
I really need to get rid of that bitch, she's no good for me.
And yet, motivates to do better.
Too much better.
I am trying to do too much.
So, drop Drama and hope to God Cathy doesn't hate me??
It's a plan.
Good plan?
Who knows.
No comments:
Post a Comment